Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
time to smoke my breakfast
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
