had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
