What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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