how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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