we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
