we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
