I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
If that was your dad, he is hot
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
