In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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