what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
