He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
