I just threw up on my dentist
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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