im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
