i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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