genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You are the jesus of drinking
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
