I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
