I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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