My liver just broke up with me...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hippo gnu deer
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
