i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.