My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.