Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself