My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
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Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
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Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.