Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions