I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now