So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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