The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize