Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
