Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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