I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
