Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
