So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
