Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
