the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
