You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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