Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
