Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
