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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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