I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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