Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
