we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
