i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
