did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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