Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
