my mouth tastes like poor choices
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
zippers are such a cool invention
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
