It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
