ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
