Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
