just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I deserve this hangover.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
