i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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