when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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