a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
