I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
