i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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