I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
