is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
