Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
