I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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