I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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