she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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