the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
